I got the f*ck over all that rationale, literally, and placed my devotion back in my holy hot panties. And maybe that would’ve been the case, but in reality, I was prioritizing someone else’s pleasure-someone I hadn’t even met yet-rather than my own real time satisfaction. I had a story that it’d be oh-so-sexy to the person who would be my king if I’d been you know, kind of re-virginized. But I told myself that having exceedingly high standards in men was part of my spiritual path. Deep sex can dismantle you in the most agonizing, ecstatic ways so caution is natural-and part of the erotic charge. And for me, that required solo time.īut eventually, the holding out was holding me back. I’ve been the woman holding out for The One. Where do I stand on one-night stands? Are they soul satisfying… or just a distraction in your pants? I open up about holding out and putting out. “When our experience as children was such that we needed to be a certain way to be loved, we tend to believe that love isn’t consistent or constant, so it might be easier to latch onto any semblance of it rather than feel the pain of the false belief that we’re not worthy of it, as we would have felt when we were children.“What’s your opinion on one-night stands when it’s ultimately not aligned with what you want in your forever partner? I know women who wait years of sexual deprivation because they’re holding out for The One.” “We tend to love as adults the same way we loved as children and that’s based on how our main caregivers loved us… If there was any kind of inconsistency, ambivalence, neglect, or abuse in our early bonding with our parents, unfortunately, we go to that as adults too,” Gea Gea said. These feelings of being undeserving of love can have their roots in how people were loved-or not loved-as kids, Gea Gea said. Conversely, what would they be present to if they didn’t get swept away in those feelings? The answer is likely to be that they are somehow undeserving of being loved and chosen, or something to this effect.” “It might alleviate an anxiety about being alone or unloveable, for example. But don’t hold your breath.įor these people, Gea Gea said it may be worthwhile to consider this question: What do they get to feel or believe about themselves by catching feelings? One night stands can lead to long-term, meaningful, committed relationships, if all parties are open to that. Of course, catching feelings for a one night stand isn’t necessarily doomed from the beginning. “It’s possible that that person is not responding to what’s available at this moment, and trying to fulfill deeper needs… Those needs can vary, but they’re usually related to wanting to feel wanted, important, loved, or something similar,” the psychotherapist said. Gea Gea explained that when people catch serious feelings for a casual hookup, they may be ignoring the reality of the situation, perhaps to get more out of it. Sarah admitted that even though she doesn’t usually get to know her one night stands very well, she still briefly imagines “how a future with them would look like.” Sensations are heightened and feelings can be very intense at this stage,” Gea Gea said. “Sometimes, the appeal of the one night stand-with no ongoing commitments or responsibilities-can be otherworldly, and it’s easy to surrender to that.
#One night stands how to
Indeed, the intense emotions that come with having a one night stand can make people feel like they want something more long-lasting.ĭuring sex, the body releases oxytocin, commonly called the “love hormone,” so it’s natural to feel a deep connection during and after the act, even if it only happens once, explained Bernadette Gea Gea, a Sydney-based psychotherapist who is focused on helping people learn how to prioritize themselves without losing the relationships that matter most. “When I have a one night stand, my train of thought would usually be, ‘Why not? It could end up turning into something good,’” she said. Still, catching feelings is always on, or under, the table. Sarah said she mostly has one night stands to fulfill momentary physical needs or to make a night out more interesting, so she could have a story to tell her close friends. He didn’t want a relationship, and the future I imagined with him didn’t look that good either, but we both can’t imagine a life without each other.” “We got really close and comfortable with each other so I guess that’s how I ended up being attached. Sarah preferred to go by a pseudonym because of the stigma that still comes with discussing one’s sex life in the Philippines. Next thing I know, we are running mundane errands together,” 28-year-old entrepreneur Sarah, from Manila, Philippines, told VICE. It started with one night, and we kept seeing each other more often. “I had a one night stand that ended up lasting way longer than expected, and it kind of developed into a very complicated friendship.
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